Mommy and Me Weekend

This past weekend I was in Mobile for my friend Emily Zelenka's wedding. Other than my mommy, no one else in my family felt that I was important enough to come home to see. Saturday, me and my mom get ready for the wedding and head to St. Dominic's. The entire 10 minute car ride there, my mom is complaining about how her Spanx are rolling down and that maybe they aren't the right size and blah, blah, blah; so, like any good child would do, I turn the radio up and tune her out. As we are getting out of the car, I can see my mom quickly adjust her dress on the other side of the car, but I think nothing of it.

We are seated at the church, and as I am watching Emily walk down the aisle and my mom taps me on the shoulder. I thought that she was going to say how beautiful Emily looked or something along those lines. Instead, my mom whispers "Katie, these Spanx are seriously rolling down; they are almost to my knees!" I hiss back to her "Mom, shhhh, go to the bathroom and take them off then; I am trying to watch the ceremony!!!" Emily and Brandon have now said their 'I Do's', and we are in the aisle walking up to receive communion. My mom keeps tapping my shoulder, and out of respect to God, I ignore her. I do happen to take a quick glance over my shoulder to see my mom waddling behind me (her Spanx really must have rolled down to her knees). I turn to her and just roll my eyes. As soon as the ceremony is over, my mom has disappeared, and I assume she has gone to the restroom to take care of her little "problem". I am chatting with my friend, Michelle and her family, as my mom walks out looking distressed saying "Those Spanx were about 5 sizes too small, I think I got mine confused with Micki's!!!"

The entire walk over to the reception I jokingly mock my mom and told her that she should have realized before we left the house that those were not the right size Spanx. My mom hands me a beer and tells me to quit talking about it. At the reception, I am catching up with my old friends (since Kindergarten), Chelsea and Michelle, and Michelle decides she wants a picture of the 2 of us. She hands her camera to her boyfriend, Shane, and I stand up to walk over to her. As I take a step toward her, my feet come out from under me, I slide a few feet and end up on the floor somewhere between the bride's cake and the groom's cake. At this point, I am mortified, and as Michelle's dad rushes over to help me, I notice my mom still sitting in her chair DYING LAUGHING. Michelle's dad, Mr. Tom, assures me that noone except their table saw, and Michelle includes that it was the most graceful slip and at least I didn't expose myself. After much reassurance, I am finally convinced that it was not as big of a deal as it seemed and am once again enjoying the reception. 20 minutes or so later, I suddenly hear "Hey Katie!" from behind me, and Jessica Crabtree is cracking up saying "NICE FALL! I think the whole place saw that!" So, needless to say, like mother, like daughter; both my mom and myself managed to be trainwrecks and embarrass ourselves. I hope we didn't ruin your wedding Emily!!

Office Antics

I LOVE my job, and I can honestly say there is never a dull day in my office. Here are a few one-liners from my boss, Randy, that I think anyone would find humorous, whether you know him or not:

Randy to my coworker, Mun: "Mun, I almost didn't recognize you with your new hairdo. Looks like you have been electrocuted!"

Randy to his wife: "Please take your personality to your own office, people are trying to work here"

Randy to me, Neletha and our ex-coworker Courtney as he is leaving one afternoon: "Katie, Neletha, have a great night; thanks for everything. Courtney, try to actually do some work tomorrow, would you?!?!"

Randy to basically the entire office when he realized he was not informed of a sample sale we were having: "SAMPLE SALE?!? I have big customers coming in this afternoon and noone told me about a sample sale! Put all this crap up; it looks like an f-in gypsy flea market in here!"

Conversation between Randy and another business partner, Suzanna, about replacing someone at the warehouse: Randy "What happened to the other guy?" Suzanna "Well, when we hired him we thought he would do an amazing job because he went to Yale." Randy "Where did the new guy go to college?" Suzanna "Umm... just community college." Randy "Now that sounds more like our level... yeah, he will be a good fit here"

Office conversation about what Lloyd should get his wife for their 25th wedding anniversary: Nadine "Diamonds" Suzanna "A nice trip and diamonds" Randy "Get rid of her. Tell her the 25 years have been great, but its time for an upgrade"

Randy to noone in particular: "Why do we need a shirt designer when we can just go to Saks and knock all their stuff off?"

Randy and his 3 year old, Ella, when they saw a naked caveman at the Museum of Natural History: Ella "Daddy look! Daddy look! I can see his 'P'!!!" Randy "Alright, Alright, Calm down, Calm down, Ella"

Randy to Me when he heard I left work early the day before because I was sick: "Katie, I heard you bit the dust yesterday. We are going to have to start some alcohol testing around here..."

Now.. Tell Me I Look Pretty!

Don't take the title the wrong way, I am not that conceited...

Last weekend, my friend Charlie, her sister Jordan, and Jordan's friend, Jami, were in NYC visiting me for Jordan's 21st birthday. We had just finished getting ready and were about to leave for the big Yankees Mets game, when I looked around and said "aww ya'll look so pretty." Their only response was an unenthusiastic "thanks." Not that I was fishing for a compliment or anything, but most people would generally have said a "you too." I was used to this sort of behavior, however, because my little sister, Micki, refuses to pay me any sort of compliment; I was beginning to think that it probably was just me. So, I made a mental note for Monday to research ways I could better alter my appearance other than liposuction (my grandmother has rejected my loan application for this plastic surgery numerous times).

The next evening we are leaving my apartment for a nice dinner at Pastis and a night out on the town, and I turn to my friends and tell them how pretty they look. Again, they simply said "thanks", but this time I didn't let them off so easily; I command "Now, tell me I look pretty!" They get a good laugh out of it and off we go. Later in the evening, we end up at Gatsby's, a fun bar in SOHO. We are having a nice time fist-pumping and just being patriotic in general(chanting USA! USA! for the World Cup); so, I tap the guy next to me on the shoulder and ask him to capture this moment by taking a picture of Charlie and I. As soon as he turns around, Charlie and I both whisper to one another how creepily this guy resembles Joran Van Der Sloot. Being 6 vodka cranberries and somewhere between 3 to 7 shots deep, I am convinced that the guy holding my camera is Joran Van Der Sloot and that I am about to be abducted. Since she is the married, logic one, Charlie reminds me that Joran is in jail in Peru and that there is no possible way that he is in this bar in SOHO holding my camera. So, after Charlie's reassurance, we turn back around and poise for the picture. After taking it, I confidently ask Joran "Did I look pretty?" His response, "beautiful." Inebriated and flirting with a potential serial killer, the lengths I go to to finally be paid a compliment...

See above photo of Charlie, Joran, and I... Admit it, you would have been scared too.